I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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