i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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