My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
