Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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