I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
