Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
