based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
