can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
