he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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