Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
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