just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize