even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
