what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
