I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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