you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
