If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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