if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
We smell like vodka and hangover
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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