she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
