I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
