I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
