he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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