i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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