I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize