At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
