Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
