I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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