see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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