this just has baby written all over it
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Randomize
