she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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