when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
