I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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