So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
pop tarts are not kleenex
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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