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Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
