remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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