and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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