you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
