mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
