We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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