the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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