I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the day after is always just damage control
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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