the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
