you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
