I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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