I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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