So drunk its hurt
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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