I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
