i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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