im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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