I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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