It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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