I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
