Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize