omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
