I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Randomize
