he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
