final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
